Walk Away
by isabellairish
Summary: Jennifer chose her man, but questions start to plague her mind about her choice.
1. Wrong

**A/N**: _This is my first attempt at fanfiction. This story's premise is that Keller's "interest in someone else" is Rodney and that she did enter into a relationship with him. But doubts and questions arise when her "idealized" Rodney who interested her does not match the real-life Rodney. For all Ronan/Keller shippers, please bear through. I promise the best man will be the victor_.

Disclaimer: I own none of the characters of Stargate Atlantis. In fact I own nothing.

* * *

Jennifer sat in the corner of her quarters with her legs drawn up. Her chin resting on her knees with her arms wrapped around her legs, hugging them to her chest. She had been sitting there for what seemed forever just staring at the end of her bed. The questions had been growing stronger in her mind for days now and tonight they had come forward full force causing unshed tears to form and preventing her from being able to rest next to the man, whose breathing she could hear coming from her bed.

"_When did they start to go wrong?"_

That damn question forced itself to the front of her conscious mind. No matter how hard she tried tonight to suppress it, it refused to go away. She had tried thinking of other things, working on the formula, taking inventory of her few knick-knacks, counting the spots on the floor, even downing a dose of Nyquil in hopes it would put her to sleep, but no, it had come to stay and would not go away. For the past few days, oh hell lets be truthful, the past few weeks, the question would occasionally pop into her mind. It would present itself at random. Sometimes, she would be busy with work and it would just pop in her head or he would say something or do something and there it would be. But those times, she was able to do a quick shake of her head and it would disappear. Tonight, though the shaking of the head had not helped. She had shook and shook and shook... but all that happened was a major headache. She had finally conceded that the question was not going to go away. Tonight, it was standing up full height blaring itself to her like a siren in the dead of night. Tonight, it was going to be heard and she was going to have to face it. Tonight, it was going to make her face the fact that things had gone wrong.

_But why had they gone wrong_?

Everyone believed she had been clueless about his interest in her, but she knew, hell she probably was able to tell before he knew. He was many things. Subtle, he was not. His stammering over words, his quicken speech pattern, his inability to form cohesive, rational thoughts were all dead give aways. She knew. Hell, even without his confession of love in a child like state to a video camera, she would have known. She would have to have been comatose not to recognize his interest for her when he gave up his off day to help chaperone her while she treated a village full of people sick with influenza. Hello! We are talking about one of the most germ-a-phobic individuals in at least two galaxies! Also, for him to give up a whole day of potential research and science to follow her around- not subtle. He would have been less apparent in his interest of her if he had posted a big banner in the control room stating "Rodney Likes Jennifer".

_So where did they go wrong?_

She did not rush into this relationship. She did not fall head over heels. She did not have a couple of drinks, sleep with him, and then try to build a relationship. No, she had been reasonable, logical, and cautious. Yes, at first, his ego and his conceit were off putting, but she prided herself on looking past the exterior and understanding the true nature of an individual. She always believed that many of the off-putting behaviors people reflect in social situations are covers because they feel the need to impress others. Therefore she always looked for inner person, the "true" nature of a person, to determine if she could like the person. She felt that she was very mature in she always based her attraction to a male on his character, his intellect, his inner-true-self and not on the physical traits. So, she had set to look deeper at Rodney. She had taken time to talk to him, spent time with him in order to understand him so she could know the inner Rodney, the "true" Rodney. And in the beginning, the inner Rodney did interest her. He was attentive. He would sit and listen to her talk about her work, her family, her life, for hours without seeming bored or uninterested. He would compliment her on her work and accomplishments without a hint of a condescending tone. He even allowed her to display her intelligence without belittling it or interrupting with comments about his own "supreme" intelligence. When she had indicated to him that she returned his interest and would like to be in a relationship with him, he was astonished and amazed. By the look on his face after she told him, one would have thought she had handed him 10 ZPMs. He had did a small dance and then made a beeline for the mess-hall before she could bat an eye. He had announced to his team about his joy, his luck that she wanted to be with him. He acted so astonished, so amazed that she chose him that she didn't even try to curb his enthusiastic announcement. In hind-sight though, she wished she had because the look on Ronon's face when Rodney had run to the table where Ronon sat and told him before anyone else….

_No, can't think about that._

She had taken his astonishment and amazement for face value. She began to believe his conceit was a shield, a diversion to keep people from seeing the man that doubted and did not believe in himself fully. She thought Rodney was letting her see another side of him that he hid behind the conceit and selfish nature. That night, she believed that she had glimpsed and found the "true" Rodney. The "true" Rodney she thought she saw in those first few weeks of dating was a Rodney who was caring, loyal, and humble. The person she saw was person who was not truly selfish, but in his own way promoted the growth of others. He was someone that was willing to sacrifice his time, his work, his well being to promote and help others.

_Can anyone say 'Rose-Colored Glasses'?_

Rose- colored glasses her ass!! Someone in the mess hall must have been slipping a serious amount of opium in her morning cereal for her to have been that delusional. He did not promote or support the growth of others. He didn't show or demonstrate pride if she was praised or if she was given accolades for accomplishment in her work—no he got pissed and refused to talk to her for days. Self-sacrificing? Yes, maybe, possibly. Yea he would give up some of his time to help out or do something with her. Yes, he had occasionally taken time away from his work so they could do something fun together or to come see her when she called stating she was about to cry due to a stressful day at work. And after Ronon stopped his sparring lessons with her, Rodney had even volunteered to sacrifice the well being of his body so that she could continue to hone her skills. But, all the "sacrifices" he made came with a price. A day doesn't go by now, without him making some snide little comment about his "sacrifices" in the relationship then following the little comments with a "reminder" that by his calculations, the number of "sacrifices" he has made for their relationship seems to be greater than her number.

_Why did he stop her lessons?_

Well, if she was honest with herself, she couldn't say he actually stopped her lessons because for him to actually stop her lessons meant her actually having a conversation with him, which meant her actually seeing him to talk to him. Yes, she had seen him. She and Rodney had eaten dinner with him and Teyla and Sheppard many times, but the few times she had, he acted like she didn't exist. No, that wasn't exactly it. He would acknowledge her and would respond to her if she spoke to him. Now granted his responses, were short, to the point, and left no openings to begin a conversation. But kicker, the thing that made a little knot form in her stomache when he responded to a question or acknowledged her, he did like she was a stranger. When he looked at her, she no longer saw any warmth or friendliness. Hell, she would have been happy to see hostility or hatred reflected back at her, but no, when he looked at her, she saw… nothing. He was looking at her but he no longer saw her. She was nothing.

_Ronon…?_

NO! She could not dwell on him. She must stop the thoughts and questions surrounding him. She only cared for him as a friend and she had been honest with him. If this was how he was going to respond to her honesty, then fine. She would live and eventually, she sure the hell prayed, that this compressed, pounding ache in her chest that occurred whenever she realized he no longer saw her would go away. She couldn't dwell on him. She had to stop these questions. She had to concentrate on Rodney because she….? She...? Ok, now was so not a good time to be at a loss of words for the feelings she felt for him.

_How did she go wrong?_

That one question, one stupid question, released the floodgates. Her tears coursed down her face. The tears turned into sobs. She couldn't stop them. They overtook her and made her gasp loudly. She quickly stood and rushed to the bathroom, shutting the door and slowly sliding her back down the door until she rested on the floor. The sobs racked her body. Her shoulders shook, her stomach cramped and she just let them overtake her. She did not realize she was making any noise until she heard sheets rustling on the bed. She pressed a fist to her mouth and bit down trying to stop the sound. She had to be quiet. She could not deal with anxious or concerned Rodney at this time. She bit down hard drawing blood, welcoming the metallic taste. After several minutes of no further noise outside, she turned her head upward towards the ceiling. She closed her eyes and let the tears flow freely down her face. It seemed an eternity before the sobs subsided and the tears only trickled down her face. She balled her fist and swiped her eyes and cheeks, removing the evidence of her distress from her face. She stood up and turned to the mirror. She stared at her reflection. The swollen eyes, the red streaks marring her cheeks reflected back at her. Reminding her, things were wrong.

_So, wrong. _

Yes, things had gone wrong but she was not weak. She was Jennifer Keller, the fucking CMO of this expedition. If she could repair the damage from a bullet, then she sure as hell could repair what was wrong with her relationship. She and Rodney worked in the beginning and she was going to make damn sure they worked again. With that thought, she exited the bathroom and made her way to her bed. She stared down at him, the man she ….? Why the hell was it so difficult for her tonight to connect with her feelings for him? She cared about him. She enjoyed him. He made her laugh at times and she was comfortable with him.

_Comfortable?!_

What the hell? Comfortable is how you feel for an old pair of pants or pajamas, not your boyfriend! She needed some sleep. She was overtired and confused. In the morning after a much needed rest, she would be able to think clearly and have no problem with expressing how she felt about him. She eased in beside him in bed turning to face his back. She traced the outline of his back with the tips of his fingers. He stirred slightly causing her to stop. Yes, tomorrow things would be better. The questions would go away. She just needed a good cry to sort things out and remember the things that interested her in the beginning about him. And if the cry didn't help her remember what made her interested in him, then she would find the person who had stopped putting the opium in her morning cereal and bribe them to start putting it back in. Yes, there was nothing wrong. All people get nervous in relationships and that was what caused all this turmoil and all the questions that occurred tonight. Her nervousness about being in a committed adult relationship had gotten to her and caused her to question herself and what made her interested in Rodney. That was all this was..

_Everything would be fine!_

She could see the beginning rays of the sun peaking through the window shields. A glance at the clock told her she only had a couple of hours before she would have to get up and head to the infirmary. Thankfully, she only had a staff meeting to attend and to complete the schedule for next week. After that she could come back to sleep. He would be gone by the time she returned but she would see him later and she would have no more questions to disturb her time with him. She closed her eyes. There was nothing wrong. Just being overworked and nerves. Yep, that was the problem- nothing more. Everything was going to be fine.

"_Are you sure?"_

Damn, Damn, Damn. When would these damn questions stop bugging her? And, why did her mind ask that question in another voice than her own… a low, husky voice that sounded almost like a growl?


	2. Look into the mirror at myself

A/N: I apologize for taking so long to get an update out. Real life took up some time and the Notre Dame game not ending until late Saturday night didn't help. I am very thankful for all the wonderful reviews. They have been very encouraging. The story is slowly becoming more in depth as I write. When I began, it started out as maybe five chapters at best, but now it's may be longer. So, please bear with me.

* * *

Jennifer stood in front of her bathroom mirror staring intently at the woman in the mirror. She didn't know who the woman was that stared back at her from the mirror, but she knew it couldn't be her. The woman in the mirror looked unhappy and.. confused. No, the person she was looking at in the mirror couldn't possibly be her reflection because she wasn't unhappy she wasn't confused. Jennifer tilted her head to the left and then to the right, she turned her face away from the mirror while keeping her eyes focused on the mirror. She watched the woman in the mirror mimic her action. She quickly turned her head back to face the mirror and sighed in frustration as the woman did the same thing. Piece of shit mirror must be playing tricks on her because that sad, unhappy confused woman could not be her. She wasn't confused. Nope , no more confusion, no more doubts. All doubts and questions that had plagued her about her interest in Rodney, her relationship with Rodney, were gone.

_Are you sure?_

Damn it all to hell! Where had that question come from? Yes, she was sure. She was very sure. Three days had passed since that long, emotionally draining, question filled night. Three days spent exorcising those damn questions and doubts. Three days of proving to herself that there was nothing wrong with her relationship. Three days of convincing herself that the man that shared her bed now was the same Rodney that first captured her interest. Three days of telling herself that she was happy and that he made her happy. Three days of spending every free minute she had away from work with him eating breakfast together in the morning or taking him lunch because he could never get away from the lab. She stared at the woman in the mirror thinking about all the time they has spent together in the past three days and how it had helped them become closer. She thought about the walks they had begun to take at night along various paths of Atlantis that were less populated. They would walk along the paths and talk to each other about their day. Ok, yes, maybe the talking to each other was a stretch because he did most of the talking during the walks. But that didn't mean anything was wrong. She was ok with him doing all the talking during the walks because she was content to listen. Yes, she was happy just listening and being with him.

_So when does he listen to you?_

Oh, that question was so wrong. He listened and offered her support when she needed him to listen. Just the other day, she was beyond frustration about having to train new medics and he had listened to her as she told him during dinner about the difficulty and stress of training the little know-it-alls. He had been attentive and supportive, listening to her vent her frustration without interruption.

_Really?_

Ok, maybe he did interrupt a little when he took thirty minutes to inform her that she didn't know about frustration until she had worked with Zalenka. And maybe, supportive was not exactly how you would describe his solution to her frustration and stress related to the training. She knew in her heart that him telling her that she didn't know what stress was and she was making a big deal over nothing was his way of being supportive. She just wished he had sounded a little less condescending as he said it. The big thing was he had attempted to listen to her and he had attempted to be supportive of her in his own way. Ok, yes, maybe she and him needed to discuss that sometimes he didn't need to interrupt her discussions about work so he could compare her "little" problems with his "big" problems and maybe he needed to work on the difference between being supportive and being condescending. But these two things really were nothing major; they were just little problems, which they could easily fix together. They were nothing to cause her to doubt her interest in Rodney or cause her to doubt her choice to be in a relationship with him. These two little things didn't prove that she and Rodney were wrong together. No. She and Rodney were fine. They were great. All these things were little things that happened in every relationship.

_Then why do you look unhappy?_

Arrgh!!! She glared at the unhappy woman in the mirror. She was not unhappy. She, Jennifer Keller, was perfectly, fucking happy. The mirror was evil. It was playing tricks on her. The unhappy woman in the mirror was a trick. The mirror was being mean. It was trying to get her to believe she was unhappy so she would have doubts about her and Rodney. But she was onto it and it's little attempt to make her have doubts. No, she knew that the unhappy woman staring back at her was not her. No, she was gloriously, singing in the rain, happy. She stuck her tongue out at the evil mirror and the stupid unhappy woman looking at her from the mirror. She picked up her hairbrush, swiping it angrily through her hair. Stupid, mean mirror! She was happy! She stared intently at the unhappy woman in the mirror as she secured her hair into a ponytail. She was not that unhappy woman reflecting from the mirror. No, she was happy. Nothing was wrong. Everything was fine. She and Rodney were happy together. She stuck her tongue out one last time at the mirror and exited her quarters.

_I am happy. Nothing is wrong_

She repeated that phrase again and again as she walked the corridors that lead her to the infirmary. She lost all awareness of her surroundings as she concentrated on repeating those two statements to herself again and again. She was so unaware of her surroundings that it took her a few seconds to realize her feet that she had been watching as she walked had stopped moving. She had run into someone. Her face flushed with embarrassment. She stared for a few seconds at the floor praying it would open up and swallow her, but her prayers went unanswered. She gave a small sigh resigning herself to her embarassment and the fact she needed to aplogize. She had lifted her head just a fraction when the smell of leather and spice hit her.

_Oh shit!! Not now!!_

She knew that scent. She knew who that distinctive scent belonged to. She kept staring at her feet hoping like hell that the floor would open up and swallow her. She didn't want to raise her head anymore. She knew who she would see and right now she didn't want to see that person. But she was going to have to look because she couldn't keep looking down forever and he wasn't making any indication he was going to move. Damn it! Why wouldn't the floor just open up and swallow her? She slowly raised her head.

_Yep, big tall Satedan standing in front of her._

She stepped a few steps back, small smile plastered on her face as she jokingly apologizing for being so clumsy. She looked at his face searching for some sort of acknowledgement or response to her apology, but he just stood staring at her face, unsmiling. She raised her gaze to his eyes, holding her breath, hoping she would see something, anything reflected in his them but all she saw was nothing. He just stood there for a few minutes looking at her face. She wanted to say something but couldn't. She just stood rooted to her spot watching him tear his gaze from her face and brush past her in the direction she had just come from. She felt her chest tighten. Her breaths came in short, shallow bursts as the pain intensified. She turned her head in the direction he had headed, watching him walk away, her chest tightening more.

_Why does it hurt?_

No, she couldn't think or dwell on the possible answer to that question. Her chest hurt and she was certain she was about to hyperventilate. She placed her hand on the area of her chest that hurt, concentrating on taking slow deep breaths. She couldn't dwell on this. She had to stay focused. She had to have a clear head. She couldn't get caught up in thoughts about the tall Satedan and his moods. She couldn't lose her focus. She had to remain focused on her and her relationship with Rodney. Her breathing returned to normal. She admonished herself for allowing something so trivial to cause her to nearly hyperventilate in the hallway. She couldn't think about the pain or the hurt she had just felt. No her focus had to remain on her work and Rodney. She couldn't dwell on that question. She shook her head dissolving the image of Ronon as he walked away and resumed her path towards the infirmary. She walked, staring ahead, unconsciously rubbing the spot on her chest that continued to ache.


	3. Here comes the sun again

**A/N:** I do apologize for the time at updating. When I started this story, its outline simple but as I began writing it has grown. I will update as quickly as I can but as my friends will tell you "She is an anal retentive, obsessive compulsive perfectionist" which translates into I nit pick over my work, going over it several times before uploading it. Please bear with me.

**Disclaimer**: Again I own none of the characters. I also need to state that the main title, chapter two title, and chapter three's title has come from "Walk Away" by Ben Harper. I chose the title to the story on a whim to begin with, but after I chose the title, the song got stuck into my head and has worked itself into the story. If you have never listened to the song, I highly suggest you do. It's a wonderful song even if it is a little sad.

* * *

It was the dead of night. Quietness resounding through the corridors as the majority of the Atlantis population slept. The swoosh of the doors to her quarters opening, disrupting the stillness. She exited quickly from the room coming to a halt outside the entrance. She twisted her head from right to left trying to decide which way to go. Her face was etched in panic, tears coursed down her face. She turned to the left, making her decision, and ran. She ran blindly, twisting and turning through Atlantis, choosing corridors at random to follow. The echoing of her bare feet hitting the tile the only sound she could hear. She didn't know where she was going. She didn't know what she would do when she stopped. She only knew she had to escape.

_Got to get away!_

She ran until a stitch formed in her side and her lungs felt they would explode. She slowed to a stop, holding her sides, gasping for breath; she did a slow circle trying to determine where her escape had taken her. The hallways showed no sign of life and the lights were dim indicating she was in the lower sections of the ship, near ocean level. The sound of the ocean echoed down the hall coming from a pathway to her left. Without thinking, she turned to follow the sound, her steps led her to a small balcony that was obscure from the view of the populated area.

_Perfect_

She lowered herself to the stone, leaning her back against the wall, stretching her legs out in front of her. Her mind didn't register the cold seeping from the stone material or the darkness that engulfed her. Her entire focus was on the ocean that expanded before her. The moons light dancing off the dark ocean hypnotized her as she let the events of the day run through her head.

**_Earlier in the day.._**

She made her way to the infirmary on autopilot, her mind numb from the encounter she just had with Ronon. She entered the infirmary barely registering the greetings from her co-workers. The sound of the infirmary doors opening jarred her from her mental fog. She stood watching one of the new Marine recruits enter requesting medical attention for his busted lip he had gotten from his up and close encounter with a bantos rod. She breathed a sigh of relief thankful his injury would force her mind to focus on something else besides her inner turmoil. The day passed quickly, as the young recruit was the first of many Marines that poured into her infirmary for treatment of various injuries. She lost herself in the work, forgetting the questioning thoughts, banishing the haunting image of Ronon's emotionless eyes temporarily. So appreciative to forget that she wasn't the least flustered that all the injuries were caused by bantos rods.

It was late afternoon before a lull in the stream of injured recruits allowed her to escape to her office to begin the arduous task of reports she had to finish for the numerous injured Marines. Immersed in typing, she did not hear Rodney until he cleared his throat. She lifted her head to see him standing by her office door, looking at her, hands clasped behind his back.

"I heard you had a long day thanks to what Sheppard constitutes as training and I came by to see if I could rescue you….I mean tempt you to have dinner with me….just the two of us"

He asked the question hesitantly evoking the memory of him at the beginning of their relationship when he was uncertain about her interest in him and he treated her as if she was the most amazing thing in his life. She lifted her gaze to his eyes, a sense of contentment washing over her, seeing a glimpse of some emotion reflecting in them for her. She quickly stood, walking to him. She pressed a quick kiss to his lips, happy in the awareness that he felt something for her.

_He wants to be with me!_

She exited with him, falling into a slow walk beside him, as they turned to the mess hall. She listened as he launched into a discourse about how Sheppard's violent, barbaric new recruit training caused more work for others, especially her. A hint of a smile lifting the corners of her mouth as he fumed about how the training proved John Sheppard could be so insensitive and selfish at times.

_Can we say pot calling the kettle black?_

She chastised herself for the thought gently remembering the something she saw in his eyes. She continued listening, so happy that he wanted to be with her, that her usual feeling of annoyance was absent as he launched into his ritual list of complaints and gripes.

They entered the mess-hall, his arm encircling loosely around her waist as he guided her to the line of food. She scanned quickly around the room for a place for them to sit, her gaze finally settling on a table secluded towards the back near the balcony door, a perfect place for just the two of them to eat and spend time together. She followed behind him as he entered the line. She watched him pick out several food items and pile them on the plate, moving at a quick pace through the line. She progressed through the line at a slower pace unable to decide on an item that didn't look revolting, finally deciding on her usual; yogurt and water. She exited the line momentarily stunned not to find Rodney waiting for her. She glanced towards the secluded table hoping he was already sitting at it, but she found the table empty. She turned her head around the room, looking for him, a heavy feeling settling over her, when she spotted him sitting at a table occupied by Sheppard and Teyla. She stared at him for a few minutes, thinking she had left her work with reports unfinished to spend time with him, just him, not his damn, fucking team. She felt anger swelling up at him for his deception, for breaking his word that it would just be the two of them, for not realizing it had been important to her for them to have some time together, for not realizing her need for reassurance from him that she was still one of the most important things in his life. She took a deep breath, stomping over to the table, trying to contain her fury at him. She didn't want to make an ass of herself in front of Teyla and John. She sat her tray down in front of the seat next to him.

"Thought, I lost you there for a second" she stated to him as she settled into the chair nodding her head in greeting to John and Teyla.

"Jennifer, how can you lose someone in this room? It's not that big"

She stared at him for a second, wondering if she should slap him. "I was joking. I thought you would be waiting on me at the end of the line".

"Well, I did wait, but you took too long, I got tired plus I was hungry. You know I get faint when I don't eat" he stated with annoyance clearly lacing his voice. She felt her anger turning into disbelief as he glanced side-ways at her, rolling his eyes at her before continuing," I don't understand why you are so upset? It's not like you couldn't find me. You're a big girl; you didn't need me to hold your hand."

She sat dumbfounded as she watched him turn back to his food , dismissing any comment she may have had, dismissing her. She turned, dropping her gaze to her plate as she picked up her fork and slowly began to eat. Tears pricking at her eyes, she thought if it had been anyone else she would have fired back, refusing to allow the person to dismiss her, but she couldn't do that with Rodney. She knew if she continued or made a smart reply, they would end up fighting and she didn't want to fight with Rodney tonight. The food turned into a big glob as tears welled in her eyes. She kept her head down, not looking up, trying to prevent anyone from seeing her frustration. She kept her focus on her food, toning out the squabble that erupted between Sheppard and Rodney, ignoring the questioning eyes of Teyla she could feel boring into her. She didn't want to be rude to Teyla but she could not handle Teyla's knowing looks and soul baring questions.

The slamming of a tray onto the table startled her causing her to glance from her food for the source. She watched with trepidation as Ronon sat down across from her, exchanging courteous greetings with the others while only flicking his head in a nod at her. The sound of another tray being set down broke her focus from Ronon. She felt her stomach drop as the person sat down, scooting their chair in close to Ronon's.

_What the fuck?_

She thought for a second she may be hallucinating. She blinked her eyes, looked at the chair again, still seeing her sitting next to him.

_Oh what the fuck is her name….she's one of the gate techs…oh..come on mind you know what her damn name is._

The name was on the tip of her tongue making her more frustrated.

_It's Amelia something… maybe Amelia the Bitch _

The name had a sweet ring to it but she pretty certain that it wasn't her correct name.

_Amelia Banks. That's her name. Wait! Why the hell is she sitting next to Ronon?_

She felt an odd feeling grow in her stomach as she watched Ronon lean his head near Amelia's and say something, causing Amelia the Bitch to smile.

_Got to stop calling her Amelia the Bitch. Wouldn't look good if I called her that out loud by mistake._

She couldn't tear her gaze from watching the two of them.

_Wait, why the hell are they both sweaty? What the fuck has Ronon been doing with Amelia the Bitch Slut_?

Her vision turned red seeing the sheen of sweat covering both of them. She lost herself as a flood of possible scenarios of why they were both covered in sweat coursed through her mind. She felt the overwhelming desire to scream as her scenarios turned to actions that required no clothing.

"Is there something you need, Doc?"

She snapped out of her fog at Ronon's question. He was looking at her intently. She blushed as the realization sunk into her that she had been blatantly staring at him and Amelia for several minutes. She glanced around the table, noticing the quietness as everyone waited for her response.

"Sorry, I apologize for staring. It's been a …. busy day. .. I didn't mean to … I got to thinking the day…I really didn't mean to stare.. just a lot of …of.. unfinished reports on my mind."

She stuttered out the lie, looking to see Ronon's reaction. His gaze settled on her face for a few seconds before turning his attention back to Amelia, but not before she saw something flicker in his eyes. Her breath hitched in her throat at what she had seen. Emotions overwhelmed her causing her to feel that the room was closing in on her.

_I have to get out of here now!_

She turned to Rodney, giving him a quick kiss on his lips as she gave him an excuse about needing to leave to get back to work, telling him not to wait up for her and she would see him tomorrow. She quickly stood up, uttering a quick goodbye to the other tables occupants, keeping her gaze off of Ronon. She walked across the room quickly; her walk became a run as she cleared the doors of the mess. She ran to her office, ignoring her coworkers, locking herself inside.

She spent the rest of the evening staring at the clock on the wall, finally rising from her chair and exiting her office when the clock hands indicated it was close to midnight. She was certain that Rodney would already be fast asleep in his quarters at this time of the night. She trudged through the halls, entering her quarters, dropping to her bed, alone with her thoughts, alone with the memory of the contempt she had seen flicker in Ronon's eyes.

_At least you finally saw something in his eyes!_

The statement snapped her back to present, the coldness of the stone invading her awareness, the expanse of the ocean filling her eyes as the memories of the day faded back into the recesses of her mind.

It was the haunting image of his eyes flickering with contempt at her that had driven her from her bed, driven her out of her quarters, driven her on her aimless journey through the corridors of Atlantis, driven her to seek solace temporarily on this isolated balcony.

_This can't continue_.

Her body was spent, her mind numb. She wiped at her cheeks, feeling dried salty tracks, the only remains of the tears that had coursed down her face earlier. Her tear ducts swollen, unable to produce anymore tears. She had cried more in the past two days than she had her entire life.

_Here comes the sun again._

She watched the sun light crest over the horizon turn the ocean from dark silver to a bluish gray. The sun's rays began their daily ritual of painting the sky's black canvas with bold stripes of yellows, oranges, and reds. As she sat watching the new day begin, she knew what she had to do, she knew what she needed to fix in order to stop this turmoil. She pushed to her feet, stretching her body, determination settling across her features. She turned back to the horizon, losing herself briefly again in the calm tranquility of the sunrise, before turning to exit her balcony. Her feet set on a determined path along the corridor, seeking a transporter to take her back to the populated area, so she could find a certain tall Satedan and put an end to this turmoil.


	4. Another day without you my friend

_This stops today!_

Jennifer exited the transporter she had finally found after several twists and turns in the lower section. Her feet on an unwavering path through the corridors, a resolute scowl set across her face. She didn't pass many people but the ones she did quickly stepped out of her path giving her a wide berth. She didn't bother checking his quarters, knowing he rose early and would already be gone. She passed the mess hall not even glancing inside. Armed with the knowledge of his morning ritual, her feet stanchly leading her to the room she knew for fact he would be in at this time of day.

_Isn't it interesting that we know his routines so well._

She told the voice inside her head to shut up. So what if she knew his routine. It wasn't what was important right now. No, the only imperative thing right now was her finding him and making sure that she put an end to this turmoil he was causing her.

She passed her hand over the door sensor. The training room doors opened. She strode into the room her eyes locked on the back of his head. She watched him turn around, surprise visible across his face at the realization she was the one intruding on his workout time.

_That's right big boy, you better be surprised to see me._

She watched as he followed her trek across the small room, his face becoming wary as she halted in front of the bantos rods. She took her eyes off him long enough to grab the bantos rod she had used in the past during their lessons. She turned to face him; the rod gripped in her hands, and slowly strolled towards him.

_Don't see me as weak anymore!_

She thought with satisfaction as she watched him change to a more defensive stance the closer she got to him. She stopped, standing an arm's length away from him, pin-pointing him with a glare.

"You are the most frustrating, most confusing man I have every known! I was honest with you. I told you how I felt. I didn't try sugar coating it or try to hide it from you because I was under the impression that you always wanted your friends to be honest with you; that you never wanted your friends to hide things from you or deceive you because you would rather know the truth then have people trying to spare your feelings. You always lead me to believe that you would respect your friends' feelings, respect their wishes, as long as they were honest with you about them. That's what you lead me to believe, but it was all a bunch of bullshit, Ronon!"

She watched his mouth set in a tight line. She could see his body language changing, could see his mouth opening to refute her outburst, but she was not done with him yet. She continued on stopping any words that he had been ready to say.

"I told you the truth, Ronon and you……"

She stopped, trying to restrain the sob that threatened to escape her throat, trying to hold the tears back that burned her eyes. She could do this.

"Ronon, I do not know what I did to you that day I let you know that I was interested in someone else. I don't know if I offended you by my assumption that you might be interested in me as more than a friend. I don't know if I made you angry because you thought I lead you on. I don't know what I said or what I did to make you …. hate me so much".

She uttered the last four words in a near whisper, tears running down her cheeks. The wariness left his eyes replaced with concern, as he took a step towards her. She raised the rod, still gripped in her hands, out to force him to stop his movement towards her. She dropped her eyes from his face, staring at his chest, determined to continue.

"I don't know what I did. I just know that since that day things changed between us. You quit sparring with me. I know that every time I see you or we run into each other, you either act like I'm not there or you ignore me. You make sure to come to the infirmary when I'm not there. You .. I thought looking into your eyes and seeing nothing in them when you looked at me was awful, but last night…." She paused, taking a deep breath before continuing" Last night at dinner, I saw the contempt in your eyes for me, and I … I hurt Ronon. I .."

"Contempt?"

His soft question interrupted her, causing her to look up at his face. She saw confusion clearly in his eyes as he waited. Realization hitting her that he more than likely did not understand what contempt meant.

"Contempt as in disgust, intense dislike, hatred, however you want to define it, I know that I saw it in your eyes last night when you looked at me. Remember, Ronon, last night during dinner, I was staring at you and ….Amelia, you asked me what I needed, and I apologized for staring. I saw it Ronon. I saw it before you looked away from me. I saw the contempt or the disgust or hatred or however you want to say it, it's all the same, it doesn't change that I saw it in your eyes as you looked at me".

"Not for you"

She looked at him, wondering if he truly thought she was an idiot.

"Ronon I know what I saw. I also know you were looking at me when I saw it. There was no one behind me at the time. So Ronon, please tell me who else would it have be for"

"For me"

The intensity in voice as he answered floored her. She looked at him. He stood before her, remorse clearly evident in his expression. He looked from her face, down to the floor. She could see the shame echoing off him as he just stood staring at the floor. She closed her mouth as her mind wrapped itself around what she seeing and what he had just said.

"What do you mean for you?"

"I saw you sitting there. You weren't eating, just staring, and then you told me you had been thinking about work and all the reports you had to finish. I was angry with myself for causing you to have all that work to do yesterday and angry that I was the reason for you having to worry about reports instead of enjoying your dinner with Mckay."

"Wait, what? How do you think you caused my stress last night?"

"All the injured recruits yesterday. My fault."

Her eyes widening in realization as what he said sunk into her exhausted mind. She let her hands drop releasing the rod. She let out a little giggle as she watched him startle at the sound of the rod hitting the floor. He raised his gaze to her, raising his eyebrows at her in question of her actions. She couldn't help the full, deep, body shaking laugh that erupted from her body at the sight of him in complete confusion. She let the laugh subside, smiling at him, smiling at the fact that she continued to see concern for her etched across his face.

"Ronon, I still stand by what I said earlier; you are the most confusing, most irritating man. I swear sometimes I think you could make a nun swear."

"Nun?"

"Yeah, a female that makes a pledge not to do things. A women, who's committed her life to God, who should have a lot of patience and doesn't use swear words…. Oh never mind, I can see I'm just confusing you more."

She took a deep breath stepping towards him, a small sense of joy at seeing his eyes still looking at her, eyes still full of emotions. She stopped when she was in front of him, close enough to look up at his face.

"Ronon, you are so confusing. For weeks now, you see me and you don't speak, sometimes you don't even acknowledge my existence. If you do speak, you act like I am a complete stranger to you." Her voice cracked as she thought of the past few weeks and the emptiness she felt every time he looked at her. She swallowed before continuing, "Ronon, I … you are important in my life and I need to find out what I did wrong to make you… you treat me like you have been doing and apologize or fix what I did so you … you'll treat me like your friend again instead of a stranger."

"You didn't do anything"

"Then why the hell are you so distant from me now? Ronon, I miss our sparring sessions. I miss seeing you in the infirmary. I miss our conversations. I miss you frustrating me with your shoot first ask questions later attitude. I miss you Ronon"

She watched him as his gaze met hers. She could see his beautiful green eyes darken before he spoke.

"You told me you were interested in someone else. I.. you then were with Rodney. I kept away because I thought me being around you would cause problems with you and Rodney.'

"Why?"

"Cause, you were with him and he had let me know before you got together that he had intentions for you and I didn't want him getting upset with you if we still talked."

"You are an ass. Do you know that? You and I are friends and any problems that Rodney would have with that, well me and him would just have to work that out. Why were you so worried about Rodney having problems with us hanging out? First of all, you usually don't give a damn what Rodney wants. Secondly, you didn't stop hanging out with Teyla when it was made clear she was with Kannan. You didn't worry about Kanaan having a problem with you and Teyla being close. Why would you worry about Rodney?"

His eyes darkened ever further as she saw a guarded expression flash across his features. She could tell something more existed beneath the surface regarding him and Rodney and her relationship with Rodney, but she realized she needed to stop pushing for an answer before he closed off from her again.

"You know what it doesn't matter. What matters now is that I want us to be able to talk, to spar. I want you to be there to aggravate the hell out of me from time to time. I want you in my life, Ronon, as my friend. You are important to me and I can't continue this whole you being distant from me so Rodney won't get upset. I will deal with Rodney if he gets upset. Can we do that? Can we be friends? Please."

She watched him stare at her for a few seconds as if digesting what she had just told him. She held her breath, awaiting his answer, hoping and praying he would understand she needed him in her life.

"Yes."

She caused him to startle as she released her held breath in a squeal of happiness. She calmed from her outburst and looked directly at him, needing to make sure his answer meant what she hoped it meant.

"So… let me make sure I understand and make sure there is no more confusion because there has been too much of that between us recently. Your answer means we are going to talk, we are going to spar, we are going to act like we know each other. No more of you passing me or seeing me and treating me like a stranger. We are friends. Right?"

At the nod of his head, she launched herself at him, closing the distance, and wrapping her arms around him in a hug. She felt his arms wrap around her sighing as she felt an enormous burden melt away in his arms. She buried her face against his chest, inhaling the smell of him; masculine and mint.

"Thank you Ronon. Thank you" she mumbled against his chest refusing to release her hold of him, sinking into his hug, feeling at peace for the first time in weeks. A thought popped into her mind. She just held onto him letting the single thought circle in her brain deciding she would analyze it at a later time.

_Why does being in his arms feel like home?_


End file.
